I have been, overall, a apologist for Michael Bay and his Transformers series. The excuses for his movies are well known: He loud, brash, cinematically beautiful but lacking any sensible plot whatsoever.
The Transformers movies epitomize that. But who can argue against a series that has made approximately $2 billion in worldwide receipts over the last decade or so?
But this movie? This movie is God awful bad, in ways that make the other movies in this series feel like Citizen Kane or The Godfather.
I mean, honestly: I can’t imagine any sensible screenwriter looked at this script, read it, and then turned to Michael Bay and said, “This is great!”
Just to give you perspective of how bad this movie was: this whole series is basically a live action cartoon, right? I mean, that is what pretty much defines the entire series. And as such, it has been a major hit with kids, especially young boys. My boys have watched the other movies in this series dozens of times.
My six year old, one hour into this movie? “Daddy, is it almost over?”
That is basically the death knell of death knells.
I would go through the plot like I usually do, but…I couldn’t if I tried. There is no plot. Not any sensible one. Unlike the past movies, I can’t even clearly tell you if the Autobots and Decepticons are on opposite sides. They are at the end, but even then, I am not 100% sure why they are.
The usual idiotic jokes, hypersexualized imagery and innuendo, and ridiculous over the top cinematic moments are in this movie; but unlike past movies, where I could excuse it away as just part of the fun, in this totally hopeless endeavor, it not only seem cheesy, but often just seemed offensive.
I mean, there is the random hot woman, which is fine; but in this movie, they add a random 14 year old girl (who I presume is Mark Wahlberg’s surrogate replacement for the daughter that was introduced in the last movie, but was strangely absent in this outing). And even the 14 year old is sexualized at times. I mean, what the hell were they thinking?
Even all that idiocy could be excused away if there was a reasonable plot, a story you cared about, and at the very least, action sequences that got your adrenaline flowing. I can’t say any of those are true of this film.
I can’t recall being this negative about a film in many, many years…but this was a movie that I would have considered walking out of, if my older son wasn’t somewhat enjoying the experience. The entire experience (ALL 149 MINUTES OF IT, NO LESS!!!) were torture in one manner or another.
So, save yourself a couple bucks, and watch HGTV or whatever instead..trust me, you will be doing yourself a favor.